How long have I not blogged?

Too long for my taste…too much happened and I feel trapped inside.

Okay, let’s get this straight, there’s this guy from work, he is decent looking and I kinda like him. We pretty much talk about everything, friends, games and life. So a few of poly friends knows about it and our dear Daphne even send a confession sms to him for the other day.

The day after she sent the sms for me, I was very nervous on how he will treat me but by the end of the day, he treat me the same, a friend. He did not say a thing about the sms, ‘we’ sent to him or anything.

Today, I gave him a piece of my mind…letting him know my dealings with a certain someone, he is very encouraging at first but then he doesn’t feel that I should be worry about such silly things and live the life I want it to be, he asked me. I wanted to tell him, I want to and I want to start off by getting a relationship and if he allows me to but I didn’t. He told me there’s nothing to fear, they are just in my mind, I hope.

After I left for home, I told him, I need to make my way to Changi to keep a friend from going for a stupid cult gathering but I didn’t for I cannot protect her forever, so she will learn one day. So I go home. On my way home, I start to wonder why never of my attempt to get into a relationship fails on me. Then I told myself, I should be cursed by someone…it was something to make feel better…a joke to self…but I am starting to doubt so it is a joke now…

So humor me, someone just tell me, I will find true love…some day…one day…

Ravyn Lilith Wilson
Signing off~

The big fat ugly truth about people! This only refer to a certain group of people, if this blog update offends you in anyway, I apologize ahead but it doesn’t change the fact that there are some sort of people who doesn’t worth to be a human at all.

Imagine this, you are taking a lift down from a street level to the underground train station, you saw this old uncle in wheelchair coming in. The uncle manages to hop on the lift ride but when it reach the station level, you saw this boy who was standing nearest to the lift buttons, bolt out of the lift when the freaking training isn’t even there yet. Leaving that wheelchaired uncle to fend for himself from the life merciless door. Can’t you just wait for a moment press the lift door open for the uncle then you get out of the lift, the train isn’t even here yet, why are you in a hurry? Are rushing to somewhere? Or are you rushing to go to Hell?

Picture this, you are walking down this busy street, you are trying to move as fast as you could, then out of nowhere a teenager bump this you and walk off. It is going to kill you to say ‘Excuse me’ and if you bump into someone say ‘Sorry about that’ ? In total you are saying average of 2.5 words, it is that difficult to even say that?

You are alone in a shop and there is a lot of thing to attend, then when cashing out this lady, she place her baby child on a pile of cat sand and the weight of baby cause some of your cat litter to fall to the ground. The lady just apologize took her change and walk off, how would you feel? Can’t you just pick up those cat litter and pile up for the shop attender seeing that he or she is busy. DO YOU have to make he or she to stop serving a customer half way and go pick up and pile up the mess you MADE!

Same thing a shop, you are serving a customer and there’s this kid whom keep playing with a squeaky toy, it is really annoying both the customer and yourself. You don’t wish to tell the child off because the child’s father is near by and he is doing NOTHING to stop his own child AT ALL, so you tried to scare the child off by making a large noise. Still the child stop for a minute or so start all over again, then the customer complain and you go tell the child off, the child ran off and telling GOD KNOWS what kind of story to the father. IF you DO NOT know HOW to CONTROL your CHILD then DO NOT GIVE BIRTH to THEM! Those toys are for dogs not for your idiotic child to keeping on pressing like crazy and irritates people. Do you know how irksome is that! Control the hands of your stupid child, ask them to keep their hands to themselves, do they have to keep on pressing the squeaky toys!

What can I say? People are selfish. This world is doom with such people around. In fact we are all doom!

Ravyn Lilith Wilson
Signing off~

After so long of separation with my old friends, I finally gain a new insights on life and the things around me.

I see myself and my friends meeting on a path, as we walk down the path, we share laughters and pain, hit by storm and sun. Soon all of us reach a cross road, the different paths are only enough for one person to walk, so travelling in a group will be useless. One by one, my friends walk down their chosen path ahead of me. And now what is left will be me alone still hesitating to take my step out onto my own path. I am afriad but I told myself, the roads bring us together and now part us, it will surely one day bring us together again, I have to believe in that. And I did, I finally made my first step down my own path down the cross road, in hope one day, I will meet my old friends once more or may be, new friends.

As I walk down my path, I find myself being attacked from behind, I fall when I got up I only saw my ‘attacker’. It was someone I consider as a friend from work. It was only then I notice a dark and even lonelier path, that might lead my heart once again astray. I hear a voice talking to me Walk into darkness once again, only darkness can protect you form people. You know you need them not…all you need is to embrace darkness and let it all go. To me it make sense, so I take the dark and lonely path of  darkness and of no return.

Well that is what I understand, that’s how I picture my life inside my head, life is like walking down a path. You get nonsense people and things along the way. And the last part is something I felt during work, I got back-stabbed by a certain two-faced colluge. I was pretty mad but I bottled down my unnatural anger and forced myself to wear a mask everyday to hide my displease and anger.

Here’s what happen:
I am busy with an email or something like that, the bottom-line I am busy, so I ask this trainning magament to help me count a bag of money that I took out some money, just to like counter check I took out correctly. So he rejected and ask why do I need someone else to count money for me, so he went ahead and made a call to his friend and I counted money. I am slow in counting coins because I wanna be extra careful, so he laughed at me, I was kinda piss, so I counted it in a haze and left. Also I have this PCC at work, we are okay together, we play jokes with one another, once like last year, I wanted to get him for a joke he played on him, so I ran after him in the shop but stopped when customers came in.

On last wednesday, my acting area supervisor called me and my PCC up during work and asked do we have problems with each other. Because ’someone’ saw us chasing one another in the store, aguring and teasing one another. Then the supervisor  turned to me and ask me why am I not working at my best? Why do i need someone’s help in counting money? Why do I need to ask the PCC to help in making sure the hamster dun fight? Who gave me the right to order them around? And he said that I did not get my bouns was because I am not performing well enough. He added that he wanted to promote me but he can’t because I am not showing him results, because I can’t even do one thing right.

Well the chasinga round is already known, we are playing and got capture on the CCTV, so I will keep my mind on that. Then when we teased and chatted we did behind the CCTV so how did the supervisor know? Also the counting money incident, how in the world did he know of this? So of course some one back stabbed me for sure and I know who it was.

I bottled down my anger, I will do my work, I will not hang around doing nothing. I will do my share of stuff if the supervisor still think I am not performing well, I can leave no worries on that. Due to this, I gave up on everything once again, I can not trust anyone at all. I have to fight on my own, I have already made the choice and walk down the cross road, I am alone in this battle. This is the foul and ugly side of human races, the human God have created from Adam and Eve, you know what I don’t want to be part of it. Yes, thy can debate saying not everyone is perfect but why do almost half of the people I ran into are like this. Even I am slowly becoming like them. I want out!

I have already drawn the line between them, I will do my job and they have to stick to theirs and don’t come and bother me.

Ravyn Lilith Wilson
Signing off~

Well what can I say…the title says it all…I got into trouble with the going to be Ex-husband of my friend from work. Because of the sms I sent to my friend and some how that jerk saw it and threatens to make a police report.

You wanna know what, there is major flaw in that jerk’s words…

1) he don’t even know am I? My full name?
2) Who gave him the farking right to look into his going to be divorce wife’s handphone without permission
3) in the sms, I only state ‘he’ and only ‘he’, in fact I did not mention who that person is
4) I dun even think he has the guts to do so…

Well in the sms he told my friend; his going-to-be-Ex-wife, that he had make a police report. I wonder is he even saying the truth. He can be just scaring my friend and me hoping that we will be scare and apologize but sorry, he picked the wrong girl to mess with. If I am ever call up by the police, that jerk is in for trouble, you wanna know why? Here’s the SMS in full that I sent to my friend:
“He is such a bastard…sorry, I take that back, he is worst than one. What he is doing is just stressing his own children.”
So from this we can all see I did not state who it is I am refering to and also, I did not even write his stupid name on it, so why did he think or what makes him think that I am refering to him. Not unless, he knows he is one. LOL

If he does have the guts to make a police report, I will say to him, “Go ahead,” because I have no wrong. He invaded ppl’s privacy by looking at ppl’s hand phone message WITHOUT PERMISSION, even it is your wife, you still have to ASK!

This issue made him had another fight with my friend over the hand phone, I felt sorry for her, she is a good friend of mine and I dun wish to see someone like that jerk to hurt her that bad. He told her, he has feelings too, he doesn’t like to be insulted (by me). I was like, if he has feelings, then why did he did all those things he had done to his duaghters and my friend.

My friend called me during lunch and informed me of this issue, I was so pissed! I have a urge to punch him in the face and kick him in the balls. The boiling anger some how makes me want to walk back down the path that I did before. I did had a hard time calming myself down, I was at the bus station waiting for bus while I try to ease my anger for that jerk, then suddenly a nice cooling night breeze blown to my face and it did help to ease my mind but after a while, I am angry once more. So I thought it will be better if I pen it down, so I don’t have to shallow all those anger alone. Well it is getting later.

Può essere il diavolo della catena ancora mi lega

Ravyn Lilith Wilson
Signing off~

A very happy lunar new year.

This year is the year of the Ox, on the bright side, two more years I will be 24 and the down side, I am getting older and I will be responsible to make a good choice during event such like vote -.-”

Now to something that I am need to voice it out before I do silly things…okay I do have this very close friend at work, I won’t say her name or anything, just the problems she is facing is 100x worst than anything I have went throught. It made me felt that what I am facing is nothing at all compared to the things she has to face like every single day. Well firstly I pray that God has mery on her, her two sweet daughters and of course her darling dogs and please do her a favor get rid of that man for her please. Well it is none of my business but I won’t want her to keep facing such a person every single day of her life.

Well back to something more personal…still looking for jobs ~sighs~ those applications that I signed up for during the career fair has no reply yet. So I will give it a time frame if I still do not get a reply by then, I will start hunting for job once again. What to do? I can’t stick in PLC like forever…it is not like the freaking salary is a lot…well what can I say, let’s keep finding or by the time I found it, I should have save up to 12k then I go learn dog training. I do hope this year will be my lucky one…

Ravyn Lilith Wilson
signing off~

First of all! Good bye 2008 and Hello 2009!!!

God…I sound hyper-.-’  Anyway it has been too long since I last blogged, today marks a good day to wirte one post of the past year. Well I guess, I did have some ups and hell lots of downs…lots of time I feel like slamming a frying pan into my face to get my thoughts straight. Still I live to the end of 2008.

Well what should I look out for the bright new year…

1st
A new job, I just got a letter from Republic Polytechnic regarding a Career Fair and there’s a company that interest me, I might as well try my luck.

2nd
I need to get a grip on life…I have been mobbing the floor too much…emo-ing too much, I need to be a little stronger. Anyway since I am on this topic, recently I emoed again…I still feel it anyway but I just ignore it. Well this hit me when Rosmawatti a poly friend of mine, ask us to share money to get this friend who is a gay a gift for his b’day, I was like okay. Soon I realize for my 21 years of birthday…I never get a shared b’day gift like once, soon I start to emo all over again. Writing stupid things and thinking silly things again. Well I got over it, firstly I like so many things, so how in the world my friends actually share money to get me a gift. These did make me feel a little better.

3rd
If I can’t get a job, I should study…since I like to write may be courses on how to write…who knows…just something to consider right now.

4th…the list should just stop here, focus on the ‘now’ and take a step at a time, let’s wait till the career fair and see how things goes.

On the side note, EOY I enjoyed myself…still like I promise it is my last cosplay event that I will be ever going to. So bubye cosplay events.

Back to something really personal…some times, I do not get what is going in people’s mind…on second thought may be I don’t wish to know at all because they are just plain selfish. People be a little be more aware of your surroundings, don’t block the farking way as if your dad owned the road. Com’n! Control that monster you refer as your child, tell them to keep their hands to themselves! And hello! Get your asses out of my shop if you are just there to see the hamsters! People think! Don’t just think about yourself ! Think of others as well. Damn that is why I hate people some times.

At this rate, I see those children those so-call the furture, I kinda give up hope on them…I will not stick around to see what the furture they will create. Lord…be nice to me and take me away before that happens.

In the end I should say this at least,

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Firstly I will like to apologize for not posting for so long, finally I got transfered back to Bishan, it was like going home to me. Still feeling lonely, still a little angsty about stuff but I am fine…I am getting use to things.

I am coping well with my loneliness, I gotten use to eating alone, doing very much of the things alone. Still there are times, I just can’t get rid of this certain feeling I had before but I will ignore it and live life the best I can. Well I am still looking for a job that is pet related, I tried the Zoo once, I will like to try again. I still get in contact with some old friends,  just a few of them but still enough to get me to stop thinking stupid things at times.

All in all I feel fine…just don’t count the times I get injury on a job…like today…a nice cut down my right wrist, guess what cut me? A sharp end of a cut off cable tie…I know -.-’ but it bleed quite bad but I am fine. Got cut many times but nothing serious, just a few blood show.

I have this friend at work of mine asking me, do I ever thought of wanting to get into a relationship…I actually sneered at her and said…I don’t it need, I have seen enough problematic relationship from my brothers and my friends. So why put me into such problem when I can be free form it. Well in truth, I did…but I am just scare…my heart was broken more than once and I am afriad it get broken again. I have no faith that I will find my Mr. Right.  I am not quite sure how to put this but I am actually both scare and hoping I get into a relationship. Still the percentage of fear is much more higher.

Recently I start to write a lot and read a lot, I got stuck on a Darren Shan series call the ‘Demonata Series’, I gave it 9 cat paws for storyline and 7 cat paws for gore. I am still waiting for like Book 7 and book 8 to be out in Singapore which is taking like aaaagggggggeeeeeeessssssss to be out.  I ever thought of purchasing it online but I have no credit card so too bad.

I started to write a fan fiction on the Demonata series, for the first time in my stories, I actually base a character on how I really look like. No slim, smart and beautiful girls…just plain old me. I was actually having fun writing the story, until I got stuck…should I turn this character from bad to good or remain her bad. Which is some times the problem I am facing…in life, I face the same problem should I be nice or should be selfish and all. I have been stuck on that story for a week or so now, my characters in the past have been from bad turn good, a good person playing bad so on as so fore, as cliche as you can think of. So I am really stuck on this…LOL I wonder why.

Singing off~
Ravyn Lilith Wilson

Okay here’s the truth of the girl writing all these silly craps…I weight about 78kg and I am around 158cm tall, so if you do yor BMI math correctly, I am overweight, that I KNOW! I don’t need people to keep on reminding me of this! And who is the smartass reminding me? That will no other than my stupid father.

Sometimes, I really want to throw my top at him but he is my father, so I gave him the respect he needs from his daughter. But in reality does he even respect me? Okay, I am fat, I admit it and I doing lots of changes, I have only two meals a day, I am trying to cut down my intake of chocolates, I drink only plain water or fruit juices with labels that say ‘No sugar added’. I am trying to find a time to go gym, since I work 6 days a week. Or may be go sign up who kick boxing since I like that sport like…. lots! Well as I am typing this my stomach is growling because today I only have one and half meals, my colleague treated me a MC spicy which some times I will avoid, it’s free so why not…but it is so spicy I only take two bites and leave it for the rest of the day and in the end I wasted it.

So what do my stupid father expected from me, to wake up early and go jog, he even suggested me to go go 7am in the morning before going to work at 9am. I think he forgot the thing about TRAVELING TIME! Hey, I am not Super woman, I can’t possible fly from one part of Singapore to the Central. He said, I am so fat that when I reach 40, I might not even be able to walk by then and I will be having lots of illness and all. And he is worry to see me get sick with like Diabetic or cancer in the womb or things like that. He wants me to run 5 days a week till I get slim down or something. He tells me there’s no need to sleep so much and he is willing to buy me a track machine so I can run at home. If he still as sane as I am, WE HAD ONE BEFORE! HE WAS THE STUPID FELLOW WHO THREW IT AWAY BECAUSE IT IS TOO OLD but it was useable. So who’s fault is that? Mister, blame it on farking genes! I have farking big bones! Damn it! This is the damn reason why I dream of moving out of the house. If I get sick, I will get sick beyond your eyes, don’t worry. I won’t let you see me! And when I die, I will die without you knowing! Rest at ease! DAMN!

So what I am fat! It is not I am farking lazy, I am trying my best to slim down as well! I want to wear pretty clothes as well, I want to be pretty as well! Do you think I want to be fat! Damn it! Asshole! Bastard, you have to make me shallow all my tears and cry alone in the dark. Damn it! If you want me to slim down, let me do it my way! Farking idoit! I know the truth! It is not like I am hiding from the farking fact that I am fat! Idoit!

Okay fine! I will go sign for kick boxing during my free time! I will go learn dancing as well. I will then eat only one farking meal! And die slimming down! Happy!?! Bastard! I am alone and angry enough and my bastard of a father have to make things worst! So be it then! I hate him! Damn it!

He said, he will rather die while running, than dying by illness and bed ridden. I wish he die soon, make my life easier. I know I am not suppose to do that but who farking cares. My mum had suffer his bullcrap for over 40 years, while I have for 21 years. It is enough! Shit! I am crying now! Bastard are you happy now?

You know what? I will be eating one meal tomorrow onwards so if I die due to lack of food for the name of be slim, you guys know who to blame for those stupid expectations! I know he wants the best of me but I am farking 21! I know what I doing, you damn bastard! Enough said!

I stand for 8 hours during work, if I don’t get enough sleep, I won’t be able to work, this is what my stupid father fail to see, I need to climb up and down, carry heavy things and all, I need my rest. So it is a stupid idea to ask me to scarifice my sleep just to go for a job when I might be able to work at all. I apologize for some of the words being use and some of you may disapproval of my way of speaking of my father, please forgive me. If he is any of a better person, I won’t be speaking of him in this manner and I won’t be this pissed off. And I do welcome any comments on how to lose weight, please don’t ask me to excerise it is the main cause why I am so piss right now.

Ravyn Lilith Wilson
Signing off~

Damn it! My head is in a mess it making me so tired. Fuck…damn it. When I was ready to give up everything and I thought, I was ready but in truth, I am not…

An SMS shook my world on Tuesday, until now the impact is still strong. I have to admit, I am still upset about the incident of my birthday party, since that day, I had many thoughts inside me. One of it really scares me even I recall of it now; I ever had the thought of jump onto the tracks before a oncoming train at the station. I know pretty scary…During that time I was pretty emo and it is stull affecting me now. During work, when I was using the pen knife I had other use for it and it will be best I try not to mention it. I have been emo for all these time, so I had the idea of cutting ties because I don’t want such things to happen again. I was ready…or I think I was. I re-read some of the stuff I wrote in my handphone, I will post them up:

“Within a cluster of stars, there will be a few dimmer stars. As time goes by one of the dimmer star realize it don’t belong to the group. Slowly that star orbits further and further away from the cluster. The move took a tow on the dim star and soon the dim str dies and fade away from sight. As I will be.”

Here’s another one:

“Either during work or on my way home/to work, I will always look afar as if hoping to see somone but deep inside me a voice would ask, who do I expect to see? When I am never seem to be notice by them.”

I don’t know what you guys think but to me all these really sound as if I am ready take my own life. Posting all these may seem like I am trying to seek for attention, to tell you the truth, I am…or I was. I was hoping for the slightest respond for the few post before the one regarding my birthday but as time went past, I don’t want those attention anymore. All I want is someone to acknowledge me…somehow or event notice me. Not that I want to make things really supernatural or something but there is another voice speaking to me, telling me things like, “Why is there a need to fake a smile when you are in pain on the inside? Why do you hide your pain to make them feel better while you suffer?” I am not sure is it another voice or me myself.

When I got the sms on tuesday, I was so confuse because for a week or so, I did not spoke a word to any of them, I never even expect any of them will read and react to all the crap that I have been posting on my blog. Then the ‘voice’ ask me, “Why do you feel so happy?”, “You were ready to give up, this doesn’t mean they know what is going,” craps like these. I rushed to Suntec ((I was transfered to Bugis but had to go back Suntec to help due to lack of man power)) to the internet cafe use the computer for half an hour, I want to know what is being posted as a comment. Why when I look at it, even I don’t really understand it, I tried to translate it but the meaning is really fuzzy. I felt a little happy and I went to work but soon I fell back into darkness…I still some how feel really empty inside. The comment is written in Japanese romanji, I am okay ready some of them and understand a few of them but not all of them. It some how become another gap between us. I am not sure how to descirbe the feeling but I am still confuse right now, I am not sure what to say or even reply.

And here I thought writing it down will make me feel at least better, well it did and it make feel even more empty inside. Damn…what is going on in my head!

Now come to think of it, I think all these ideas come to me because I am just too lonely. I am a person who can’t really stand being lonely but for a year now, I have do things on my own and somehow make me really really lonely. I told myself I could get use to it for not every time I am surrounded with…friends…but I guess on the outside I am fine with loniness but on the inside I am never fine with it. Well this could be the only logical reason I can think of it, because before I gradute from RP, I am always surrounded by friends, even during Cosplay events but once I graduted, I got lonier…I am hardly with friends, some times I went for event alone. I hate eating meals alone as well but now, I had to… this could the sole reason for me to act so childish all these time…I am just afriad and selfish like a child I am even I am now consider as an adult. Now that I am adult, I have to be lonely at time…I guess…

Thinking of thing that I have done, like my first time taking my costume from Staci…I even ask my friends to accompany me along but now. I had successfully went for two interviews…alone, had more than 50 meals alone and went on shopping alone. May be all these make me feel really lonely inside and make me had such stupid, childish ideas.

I take back all that I have said about cutting ties and all but I agree that EOY this year will be my last cosplay event that I will be attending…I need to be more focus on the real me, my life. May be saving money for a camera or something like that or I can go study something I want, learn another skill, get another diploma or something. Well I am feel slightly better now, still lonely but I am fine now…I guess -.-’

Ravyn Lilith Wilson
Signing off~

Ravyn Lilith

Since the incident of me saying I given up on many things…the feeling I had back then, it is still strong inside me and I have many plans by the end of this year. I wanted to keep it a secert until I let the things unroll itself but I told myself why is there a need to keep it a secert when some of the things, after I am done, I will be as good as disappear form the face of the world.

Well I did change my email address once so I am going to do it again, I am going to set up on hotmail again but the account name will be some thing else. Also, I may request my mum that I wish to change my handphone number…for not many of my friends have my house number. Adding on to that…I will shut this blog down and make a new one, well I like the user interface of wordpress, it will be still under wordpress but again the name of the blog will not be shared…well I still have until end of the year to do all these. Also I not be attending any cosplaying events any more… well it does sounds like I am cutting off ties…which…I am.

By the start of next year…Ravyn Lilith Wilson will be blogging here anymore and the person typing all these crap will not be easy to find either. Well I might be changing jobs soon, I am still waiting for the confrimation email, if I get the job, I will be even harder to look for.

As for the reasons I am cutting all my ties…the shadow is leaving…is all I will say. If one has been following my blogging…will understand what I mean. Well I will be still be blogging until the end of this year.

For a lighter note…I will like to apologize to a friend that I am unable to make it to a certain event today which she was performing today. My work ended at 6, when I called another friend who was there, she said your performance ended and questions the reason I was unable to make it. Well I knock off at 6pm, your performance ended, also I don’t see the reason why I should be there, when I can do nothing much really. Well if you win congras to you but if you didn’t you done a good job like you have always been for all the things you did, so don’t give up. Not that I want to find excuses for not being there but I too just came down with a bad cough and I didn’t wish to stay out too long.

Ravyn Lilith Wilson
signing off~