Seriously right now as I am typing this, I am actually crying. It really hurts inside. I just don’t really get it. What happen was on 9th July, a customer of mine came and board a rabbit with me. His name is Midnight, he is a handsome and beautiful fellow but with a tempter to go with it. Our first meeting ended with bloodshed really, well blood of mine to be extact, I was helping him clip his nails and as I was about to put him back into his cage, he gave me a nasty kick and left me a nice scar on my hand. He was actually the first rabbit that scarred me.

Before Midnight’s mum left, she requested me to clip his nails again, by now I am already alright with all the scars I had gotten from rabbits. On 11th July, I almost had enough of Midnight’s nails clawing the metal flooring of his cage, it was really unpleastant for the both of us. So my plan was simple, take Midnight out, clip his nails…may be get kick by him like again and put him back in. But things did not went as planned, when I opened the cage, Midnight freaked, trying to escape he jumped and fell out of his cage. I had to thrash the plan of clipping his nails and put him into his carrier than back into his cage.

Since Midnight was hot on his head, so I left him be after 10 mintues I came back to check on him, I was shocked to see him limping on his left front paw, I was think ‘Damn it, Midnight is hurt, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit…’ Half hoping it was just an trumaic fall, he might feel better the next day. Nope, he did not, so I had to take him to the vet, he had a open fracture and it was really bad, the vet actually gave me two choices to either cast it or amputate the leg for there was no feeling on the broken paw at all. Inside my head was, ‘I am so dead…’ I couldn’t make the choice of an amputation for I am not Midnight’s family…so I made the choice of casting. After the casting was done, the vet informed me there was anotehr complication to the whole thing, there was an open wound and the cast cannot stay that long with an open wound. It will cause infection and might kill Midnight, seriously I could make do anything yet, so I suggest and see how things went for Midnight.

After much struggle, I actually emailed Midnight’s mum, telling her everything that happened and her reply actually made me felt better, she knew it was an accident and she told me accident do happen and asked me not to take it on myself. Since Midnight returned from his first visit from the vet, I put in my heart and soul into taking care of him, I talked to him, stroked him and fed him medication. Midnight at first likes his medication but as he grew stronger, he became more resistance against it. I too kept his family update on his condition, he could even escape the medication on his cast now. Than the vet grew concern of Midnight’s condition and my late reply regarding the amputation, called and let me know they need to do it soon to save Midnight. Having no choice, I let Midnight’s mum know of it as well.  She requested for contact to the vet and I gave them to her.

Today was my day off and I went down to bring Midnight for his review, I had gotten so attach to him than I could tell his emotion and it wanted to express right away. The two of us had a ‘battle’ while putting him into his carrier for the trip. Midnight actually scolded the Vet after the Vet was done with him and was putting him back into his carrier. The vet told me, if he is eating, drinking and very angry, means the infection was least of our worries for now but for Midnight, we should do it soon. I told the vet that I understand as this is a really big decision for the family, do give them sometime for they should be contacting them soon.

When I put Midnight back into his cage, I told him to be good and stay strong, he needs to take his medication like a good bunny in order to recover. I gave his favorite dried carrots and his food, aftering bidding him good bye, I left.

Earlier the Vet called…she told me Midnight’s family called and they will like to put Midnight to sleep. Due to the seriousness of the injury and they should be moving back to the states next year. I was actually at the brink of tears when I heard this but I controlled it, the Vet actually felt my sudden pause that I might be shock by the news, kindly asked how was I. I replied I’m okay and told her, that I will be bringing Midnight down next week. I checked my emailed, the customer sent me the same email as well, I let them know I gotten the call from the vet and will be bring him down next week, if there is anything they me to do for Midnight, they can let me know.

I took a bath than I sat down started to blog…I have came to love and hate this rabbit. He has become a friend, when you talk to him, he will look at you with this eyes and listen to you which is so human. And now to know that he is will be going next week…I have no idea how to face him tomorrow when I return to work to see him. It really hurts inside but why? Midnight doesn’t even belong to me. I actually don’t hate Midnight’s family for making the choice, for one he is theirs, not mine.

It is actually difficult to say it now…

I wanted to tell Midnight’s mum to give him a chance to life. I can keep the rabbit if they are moving away next year. I don’t mind. These words just didn’t came.

It is difficult to say it…

to say Goodbye.

Thing I want to say to those idiots I met in life…and I won’t say who but there are times, I wish I could just yell all these in your face but the thinking of will you listen comes to my mind. And how in the world will I work with you idoits…is something I fear.

To Mr. You-Think-You-Are-Handsome-When-You-Are-Not

There is a limit for everyone and you should be happy that I did not make a farking police report or send you a Lawyer letter for whatever you had done. Jokes are jokes, there should be a limit…not only to jokes but to all things. Yes, I can take some joke but you had went too far.

And I am okay with sexual jokes but if you broadcast it to the farking world, how would others think about me? Think before you talk! See your surroundings before you make such jokes! We are not minors anymore, you could farking be a father of one, so behave like a farking adult. Stop acting as if you are a kid when you are not. Watch your words. Be a little more sensitive to the feelings of people around you. There is time to work and a time to play. Don’t mix all together. And if you are lazy to help me with a favour just say it, don’t keep having excuses. There’s a give, there’s a take. You respect me, I will respect you. Behave like an adult, I will treat like an adult. You help me, I will return you the favour. What is so hard to understand.

—————-

To Mr. Cannot-Help-When-There-Is-Nothing-In-For-Me

If you don’t have a social life than that is your problem, if you don’t wish to help just SAY IT! Don’t think that everything you do there is always something in for you. I’m fine with you not helping me. I could just apologize to my friends and let them know, I can not go because someone don’t wish to trade rest day with me. I didn’t bother to request for a leave, when I COULD. So the next time if you need any help from me, you can farking forget it. Better, what can I get from it, if I help you? Thanks to you and your selfishness, I lose a chance to hang out with my friends and learn how take photos. I will record it into my handphone, so don’t worry…you won’t get me to help you if anything comes up.

And if you farking think a 5 to 6 years old laptop can be tip-top condition than you can go to hell right now. The question was, ‘Is it working?’ so I ask you, it can switched on, you can watch movies, you can listen to music and you can surf the net, despite the fact that the battery life is super short and one speaker is busted. So according to the question earlier, I would have reply yes. And don’t you dare blame me for not having the Back-up CD, I was not even given one when I got it, so not my problem. And Hello, what is it with you and English? I know your English is weak but you should use computer some where before you should know some of the basic icons? And com’n don’t you bullshit with me here, my ex-schoolmates are from your country, so is it that they could use an English based laptop and in the end got their diploma, you  cannot? You are in a shop which 95% of the products are in english, you as a retail assistance how you going to help the company when you don’t even understand english in the first place? So enough of this shit. If you don’t want the laptop, simple enough, return me the laptop as the same condition I gave to you, I will return you, your money back next month.

And because of you…yet again you spoil another plans of others. Anyway, I don’t give a damn right now, I want to settle this once and for all. If you want the laptop, keep it and find ways to live with it, shut up and go help yourself. Because I am here trying my best to get a friend to help you with the laptop problem and there you giving me shit such as these. So enough is enough.

————-

Lesson I learnt…there is no such thing as give and take in this world. Just selfish people and people who are willing to give and take but people around them ain’t. What can I say?

Ravyn Lilith Wilson
Signing off~

Well first off, I had move on to another job…well the same old pets line but more freedom, more relax and of course higher pay. I like my new company. I learn new stuff here and I see how the background of a shop work, things that I am unable to learn from my old company. Well I will post again some other time, today is just a simple update to say, I’m still alive that is all.

Ravyn Lilith Wilson
Signing off~

Too long for my taste…too much happened and I feel trapped inside.

Okay, let’s get this straight, there’s this guy from work, he is decent looking and I kinda like him. We pretty much talk about everything, friends, games and life. So a few of poly friends knows about it and our dear Daphne even send a confession sms to him for the other day.

The day after she sent the sms for me, I was very nervous on how he will treat me but by the end of the day, he treat me the same, a friend. He did not say a thing about the sms, ‘we’ sent to him or anything.

Today, I gave him a piece of my mind…letting him know my dealings with a certain someone, he is very encouraging at first but then he doesn’t feel that I should be worry about such silly things and live the life I want it to be, he asked me. I wanted to tell him, I want to and I want to start off by getting a relationship and if he allows me to but I didn’t. He told me there’s nothing to fear, they are just in my mind, I hope.

After I left for home, I told him, I need to make my way to Changi to keep a friend from going for a stupid cult gathering but I didn’t for I cannot protect her forever, so she will learn one day. So I go home. On my way home, I start to wonder why never of my attempt to get into a relationship fails on me. Then I told myself, I should be cursed by someone…it was something to make feel better…a joke to self…but I am starting to doubt so it is a joke now…

So humor me, someone just tell me, I will find true love…some day…one day…

Ravyn Lilith Wilson
Signing off~

Imagine this, you are taking a lift down from a street level to the underground train station, you saw this old uncle in wheelchair coming in. The uncle manages to hop on the lift ride but when it reach the station level, you saw this boy who was standing nearest to the lift buttons, bolt out of the lift when the freaking training isn’t even there yet. Leaving that wheelchaired uncle to fend for himself from the life merciless door. Can’t you just wait for a moment press the lift door open for the uncle then you get out of the lift, the train isn’t even here yet, why are you in a hurry? Are rushing to somewhere? Or are you rushing to go to Hell?

Picture this, you are walking down this busy street, you are trying to move as fast as you could, then out of nowhere a teenager bump this you and walk off. It is going to kill you to say ‘Excuse me’ and if you bump into someone say ‘Sorry about that’ ? In total you are saying average of 2.5 words, it is that difficult to even say that?

You are alone in a shop and there is a lot of thing to attend, then when cashing out this lady, she place her baby child on a pile of cat sand and the weight of baby cause some of your cat litter to fall to the ground. The lady just apologize took her change and walk off, how would you feel? Can’t you just pick up those cat litter and pile up for the shop attender seeing that he or she is busy. DO YOU have to make he or she to stop serving a customer half way and go pick up and pile up the mess you MADE!

Same thing a shop, you are serving a customer and there’s this kid whom keep playing with a squeaky toy, it is really annoying both the customer and yourself. You don’t wish to tell the child off because the child’s father is near by and he is doing NOTHING to stop his own child AT ALL, so you tried to scare the child off by making a large noise. Still the child stop for a minute or so start all over again, then the customer complain and you go tell the child off, the child ran off and telling GOD KNOWS what kind of story to the father. IF you DO NOT know HOW to CONTROL your CHILD then DO NOT GIVE BIRTH to THEM! Those toys are for dogs not for your idiotic child to keeping on pressing like crazy and irritates people. Do you know how irksome is that! Control the hands of your stupid child, ask them to keep their hands to themselves, do they have to keep on pressing the squeaky toys!

What can I say? People are selfish. This world is doom with such people around. In fact we are all doom!

Ravyn Lilith Wilson
Signing off~

I see myself and my friends meeting on a path, as we walk down the path, we share laughters and pain, hit by storm and sun. Soon all of us reach a cross road, the different paths are only enough for one person to walk, so travelling in a group will be useless. One by one, my friends walk down their chosen path ahead of me. And now what is left will be me alone still hesitating to take my step out onto my own path. I am afriad but I told myself, the roads bring us together and now part us, it will surely one day bring us together again, I have to believe in that. And I did, I finally made my first step down my own path down the cross road, in hope one day, I will meet my old friends once more or may be, new friends.

As I walk down my path, I find myself being attacked from behind, I fall when I got up I only saw my ‘attacker’. It was someone I consider as a friend from work. It was only then I notice a dark and even lonelier path, that might lead my heart once again astray. I hear a voice talking to me Walk into darkness once again, only darkness can protect you form people. You know you need them not…all you need is to embrace darkness and let it all go. To me it make sense, so I take the dark and lonely path of  darkness and of no return.

Well that is what I understand, that’s how I picture my life inside my head, life is like walking down a path. You get nonsense people and things along the way. And the last part is something I felt during work, I got back-stabbed by a certain two-faced colluge. I was pretty mad but I bottled down my unnatural anger and forced myself to wear a mask everyday to hide my displease and anger.

Here’s what happen:
I am busy with an email or something like that, the bottom-line I am busy, so I ask this trainning magament to help me count a bag of money that I took out some money, just to like counter check I took out correctly. So he rejected and ask why do I need someone else to count money for me, so he went ahead and made a call to his friend and I counted money. I am slow in counting coins because I wanna be extra careful, so he laughed at me, I was kinda piss, so I counted it in a haze and left. Also I have this PCC at work, we are okay together, we play jokes with one another, once like last year, I wanted to get him for a joke he played on him, so I ran after him in the shop but stopped when customers came in.

On last wednesday, my acting area supervisor called me and my PCC up during work and asked do we have problems with each other. Because ‘someone’ saw us chasing one another in the store, aguring and teasing one another. Then the supervisor  turned to me and ask me why am I not working at my best? Why do i need someone’s help in counting money? Why do I need to ask the PCC to help in making sure the hamster dun fight? Who gave me the right to order them around? And he said that I did not get my bouns was because I am not performing well enough. He added that he wanted to promote me but he can’t because I am not showing him results, because I can’t even do one thing right.

Well the chasinga round is already known, we are playing and got capture on the CCTV, so I will keep my mind on that. Then when we teased and chatted we did behind the CCTV so how did the supervisor know? Also the counting money incident, how in the world did he know of this? So of course some one back stabbed me for sure and I know who it was.

I bottled down my anger, I will do my work, I will not hang around doing nothing. I will do my share of stuff if the supervisor still think I am not performing well, I can leave no worries on that. Due to this, I gave up on everything once again, I can not trust anyone at all. I have to fight on my own, I have already made the choice and walk down the cross road, I am alone in this battle. This is the foul and ugly side of human races, the human God have created from Adam and Eve, you know what I don’t want to be part of it. Yes, thy can debate saying not everyone is perfect but why do almost half of the people I ran into are like this. Even I am slowly becoming like them. I want out!

I have already drawn the line between them, I will do my job and they have to stick to theirs and don’t come and bother me.

Ravyn Lilith Wilson
Signing off~

You wanna know what, there is major flaw in that jerk’s words…

1) he don’t even know am I? My full name?
2) Who gave him the farking right to look into his going to be divorce wife’s handphone without permission
3) in the sms, I only state ‘he’ and only ‘he’, in fact I did not mention who that person is
4) I dun even think he has the guts to do so…

Well in the sms he told my friend; his going-to-be-Ex-wife, that he had make a police report. I wonder is he even saying the truth. He can be just scaring my friend and me hoping that we will be scare and apologize but sorry, he picked the wrong girl to mess with. If I am ever call up by the police, that jerk is in for trouble, you wanna know why? Here’s the SMS in full that I sent to my friend:
“He is such a bastard…sorry, I take that back, he is worst than one. What he is doing is just stressing his own children.”
So from this we can all see I did not state who it is I am refering to and also, I did not even write his stupid name on it, so why did he think or what makes him think that I am refering to him. Not unless, he knows he is one. LOL

If he does have the guts to make a police report, I will say to him, “Go ahead,” because I have no wrong. He invaded ppl’s privacy by looking at ppl’s hand phone message WITHOUT PERMISSION, even it is your wife, you still have to ASK!

This issue made him had another fight with my friend over the hand phone, I felt sorry for her, she is a good friend of mine and I dun wish to see someone like that jerk to hurt her that bad. He told her, he has feelings too, he doesn’t like to be insulted (by me). I was like, if he has feelings, then why did he did all those things he had done to his duaghters and my friend.

My friend called me during lunch and informed me of this issue, I was so pissed! I have a urge to punch him in the face and kick him in the balls. The boiling anger some how makes me want to walk back down the path that I did before. I did had a hard time calming myself down, I was at the bus station waiting for bus while I try to ease my anger for that jerk, then suddenly a nice cooling night breeze blown to my face and it did help to ease my mind but after a while, I am angry once more. So I thought it will be better if I pen it down, so I don’t have to shallow all those anger alone. Well it is getting later.

Può essere il diavolo della catena ancora mi lega

Ravyn Lilith Wilson
Signing off~

This year is the year of the Ox, on the bright side, two more years I will be 24 and the down side, I am getting older and I will be responsible to make a good choice during event such like vote -.-”

Now to something that I am need to voice it out before I do silly things…okay I do have this very close friend at work, I won’t say her name or anything, just the problems she is facing is 100x worst than anything I have went throught. It made me felt that what I am facing is nothing at all compared to the things she has to face like every single day. Well firstly I pray that God has mery on her, her two sweet daughters and of course her darling dogs and please do her a favor get rid of that man for her please. Well it is none of my business but I won’t want her to keep facing such a person every single day of her life.

Well back to something more personal…still looking for jobs ~sighs~ those applications that I signed up for during the career fair has no reply yet. So I will give it a time frame if I still do not get a reply by then, I will start hunting for job once again. What to do? I can’t stick in PLC like forever…it is not like the freaking salary is a lot…well what can I say, let’s keep finding or by the time I found it, I should have save up to 12k then I go learn dog training. I do hope this year will be my lucky one…

Ravyn Lilith Wilson
signing off~

God…I sound hyper-.-’  Anyway it has been too long since I last blogged, today marks a good day to wirte one post of the past year. Well I guess, I did have some ups and hell lots of downs…lots of time I feel like slamming a frying pan into my face to get my thoughts straight. Still I live to the end of 2008.

Well what should I look out for the bright new year…

1st
A new job, I just got a letter from Republic Polytechnic regarding a Career Fair and there’s a company that interest me, I might as well try my luck.

2nd
I need to get a grip on life…I have been mobbing the floor too much…emo-ing too much, I need to be a little stronger. Anyway since I am on this topic, recently I emoed again…I still feel it anyway but I just ignore it. Well this hit me when Rosmawatti a poly friend of mine, ask us to share money to get this friend who is a gay a gift for his b’day, I was like okay. Soon I realize for my 21 years of birthday…I never get a shared b’day gift like once, soon I start to emo all over again. Writing stupid things and thinking silly things again. Well I got over it, firstly I like so many things, so how in the world my friends actually share money to get me a gift. These did make me feel a little better.

3rd
If I can’t get a job, I should study…since I like to write may be courses on how to write…who knows…just something to consider right now.

4th…the list should just stop here, focus on the ‘now’ and take a step at a time, let’s wait till the career fair and see how things goes.

On the side note, EOY I enjoyed myself…still like I promise it is my last cosplay event that I will be ever going to. So bubye cosplay events.

Back to something really personal…some times, I do not get what is going in people’s mind…on second thought may be I don’t wish to know at all because they are just plain selfish. People be a little be more aware of your surroundings, don’t block the farking way as if your dad owned the road. Com’n! Control that monster you refer as your child, tell them to keep their hands to themselves! And hello! Get your asses out of my shop if you are just there to see the hamsters! People think! Don’t just think about yourself ! Think of others as well. Damn that is why I hate people some times.

At this rate, I see those children those so-call the furture, I kinda give up hope on them…I will not stick around to see what the furture they will create. Lord…be nice to me and take me away before that happens.

In the end I should say this at least,

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

I am coping well with my loneliness, I gotten use to eating alone, doing very much of the things alone. Still there are times, I just can’t get rid of this certain feeling I had before but I will ignore it and live life the best I can. Well I am still looking for a job that is pet related, I tried the Zoo once, I will like to try again. I still get in contact with some old friends,  just a few of them but still enough to get me to stop thinking stupid things at times.

All in all I feel fine…just don’t count the times I get injury on a job…like today…a nice cut down my right wrist, guess what cut me? A sharp end of a cut off cable tie…I know -.-’ but it bleed quite bad but I am fine. Got cut many times but nothing serious, just a few blood show.

I have this friend at work of mine asking me, do I ever thought of wanting to get into a relationship…I actually sneered at her and said…I don’t it need, I have seen enough problematic relationship from my brothers and my friends. So why put me into such problem when I can be free form it. Well in truth, I did…but I am just scare…my heart was broken more than once and I am afriad it get broken again. I have no faith that I will find my Mr. Right.  I am not quite sure how to put this but I am actually both scare and hoping I get into a relationship. Still the percentage of fear is much more higher.

Recently I start to write a lot and read a lot, I got stuck on a Darren Shan series call the ‘Demonata Series’, I gave it 9 cat paws for storyline and 7 cat paws for gore. I am still waiting for like Book 7 and book 8 to be out in Singapore which is taking like aaaagggggggeeeeeeessssssss to be out.  I ever thought of purchasing it online but I have no credit card so too bad.

I started to write a fan fiction on the Demonata series, for the first time in my stories, I actually base a character on how I really look like. No slim, smart and beautiful girls…just plain old me. I was actually having fun writing the story, until I got stuck…should I turn this character from bad to good or remain her bad. Which is some times the problem I am facing…in life, I face the same problem should I be nice or should be selfish and all. I have been stuck on that story for a week or so now, my characters in the past have been from bad turn good, a good person playing bad so on as so fore, as cliche as you can think of. So I am really stuck on this…LOL I wonder why.

Singing off~
Ravyn Lilith Wilson