SMS…Comment…walking

Damn it! My head is in a mess it making me so tired. Fuck…damn it. When I was ready to give up everything and I thought, I was ready but in truth, I am not…

An SMS shook my world on Tuesday, until now the impact is still strong. I have to admit, I am still upset about the incident of my birthday party, since that day, I had many thoughts inside me. One of it really scares me even I recall of it now; I ever had the thought of jump onto the tracks before a oncoming train at the station. I know pretty scary…During that time I was pretty emo and it is stull affecting me now. During work, when I was using the pen knife I had other use for it and it will be best I try not to mention it. I have been emo for all these time, so I had the idea of cutting ties because I don’t want such things to happen again. I was ready…or I think I was. I re-read some of the stuff I wrote in my handphone, I will post them up:

“Within a cluster of stars, there will be a few dimmer stars. As time goes by one of the dimmer star realize it don’t belong to the group. Slowly that star orbits further and further away from the cluster. The move took a tow on the dim star and soon the dim str dies and fade away from sight. As I will be.”

Here’s another one:

“Either during work or on my way home/to work, I will always look afar as if hoping to see somone but deep inside me a voice would ask, who do I expect to see? When I am never seem to be notice by them.”

I don’t know what you guys think but to me all these really sound as if I am ready take my own life. Posting all these may seem like I am trying to seek for attention, to tell you the truth, I am…or I was. I was hoping for the slightest respond for the few post before the one regarding my birthday but as time went past, I don’t want those attention anymore. All I want is someone to acknowledge me…somehow or event notice me. Not that I want to make things really supernatural or something but there is another voice speaking to me, telling me things like, “Why is there a need to fake a smile when you are in pain on the inside? Why do you hide your pain to make them feel better while you suffer?” I am not sure is it another voice or me myself.

When I got the sms on tuesday, I was so confuse because for a week or so, I did not spoke a word to any of them, I never even expect any of them will read and react to all the crap that I have been posting on my blog. Then the ‘voice’ ask me, “Why do you feel so happy?”, “You were ready to give up, this doesn’t mean they know what is going,” craps like these. I rushed to Suntec ((I was transfered to Bugis but had to go back Suntec to help due to lack of man power)) to the internet cafe use the computer for half an hour, I want to know what is being posted as a comment. Why when I look at it, even I don’t really understand it, I tried to translate it but the meaning is really fuzzy. I felt a little happy and I went to work but soon I fell back into darkness…I still some how feel really empty inside. The comment is written in Japanese romanji, I am okay ready some of them and understand a few of them but not all of them. It some how become another gap between us. I am not sure how to descirbe the feeling but I am still confuse right now, I am not sure what to say or even reply.

And here I thought writing it down will make me feel at least better, well it did and it make feel even more empty inside. Damn…what is going on in my head!

Now come to think of it, I think all these ideas come to me because I am just too lonely. I am a person who can’t really stand being lonely but for a year now, I have do things on my own and somehow make me really really lonely. I told myself I could get use to it for not every time I am surrounded with…friends…but I guess on the outside I am fine with loniness but on the inside I am never fine with it. Well this could be the only logical reason I can think of it, because before I gradute from RP, I am always surrounded by friends, even during Cosplay events but once I graduted, I got lonier…I am hardly with friends, some times I went for event alone. I hate eating meals alone as well but now, I had to… this could the sole reason for me to act so childish all these time…I am just afriad and selfish like a child I am even I am now consider as an adult. Now that I am adult, I have to be lonely at time…I guess…

Thinking of thing that I have done, like my first time taking my costume from Staci…I even ask my friends to accompany me along but now. I had successfully went for two interviews…alone, had more than 50 meals alone and went on shopping alone. May be all these make me feel really lonely inside and make me had such stupid, childish ideas.

I take back all that I have said about cutting ties and all but I agree that EOY this year will be my last cosplay event that I will be attending…I need to be more focus on the real me, my life. May be saving money for a camera or something like that or I can go study something I want, learn another skill, get another diploma or something. Well I am feel slightly better now, still lonely but I am fine now…I guess -.-’

Ravyn Lilith Wilson
Signing off~

Ravyn Lilith